Monday, May 18, 2015

the American Drug Cartel

By Christopher Rice and Anonymous
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Finally admit that the 'war on drugs' was lost. 'Just say no' was another joke. Education through the 'Dare' program failed. Putting people in jail fails. Rehab programs are money makers with a very low success rate. I am someone who went through the hell of addiction.

As someone who suffers from chronic pain and cannot afford a "pain clinic", I have developed a hatred for the AMA and big pharma. They release these horror stories about opiates, causing the government to tighten restrictions on their use. Any amount over a small amount, you've got to go to a "pain clinic". These clinics are very expensive. Has anyone else noticed the explosion in the numbers of these very lucrative "pain clinics" in the last few ;years. These periodic release about the horrors of opiates are only for the purpose of keeping these very lucrative businesses in business and being the only legal avenue of relief for many people.

This is the American Drug Cartel. I think I like the Mexican ones better. At least they don't hide their criminality behind a false face of concern for our health.

Related article: Why is marijuana illegal?

I live in Kentucky and we are one of the states that lost a generation to prescription drugs. When the MDs and Pill Mills started closing the addicts turned to heroin. My childhood MD just had his office raided by the DEA this week. My old Senior Medical Officer in the Navy was busted running a pill mill in Florida, it was the largest in state history at that time. Even my old childhood dentist has been sanctioned in my state for over prescribing. This epidemic is not medicine, its racketeering, drug dealing, and stuff that makes the mob look honest.

This is happening every single day in every single state. People use big pharma opiates till it becomes cheaper to use the root drug. The level of corruption is phenomenal and no one does anything about it.

One dealer/Pain Clinic will shut down and another will open up.

Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.

If the addicts can't get there meds in the pain clinics, they often go to the ER knowing they have to be treated. It is there that they receive their "cocktail". We are in a different world, say goodbye to the usual street corner junkies because they are now outnumbered by many so called educated working men and women who are addicted to pain meds.

Meanwhile, people with legitimate needs have been screwed over by the DEA rooting around in their treatment, making decisions with non medical goals in mind.

Doctors have been so afraid to prescribe any narcotics and as a pain patient for fifteen years from a thirty five foot fall at work, I have chronic pain and had to call fifty doctors before I found one with the balls to prescribe a narcotic. I am on Fentanyl now but it doesn't work like Methadone and even my doc won't give me Methadone 'cuz he's afraid of it, but I'm afraid this pain will kill me and he needs to give me what works for me but so far I am in great pain so he can be comfortable. The new regulations doctors have to go by disenfranchise patients and many turn to heroin or suicide because doctors are afraid to take on pain patients that have pain that only narcotics help. I am not an abuser of medication I was sentenced to pills for life because I did my job.

Related article: Prescription Drugs Now Kill More People In The US Than Heroin And Cocaine Combined

Statistics show that about 90% of heroin users are white men and women who first tried prescription painkillers. The total number of addicts is about half a million, with approximately 3,000 deaths from the drug in 2010. But those numbers pale in comparison to the impact of opioid painkillers, such as oxycodone.

There are more than two million Americans hooked on these legal medications, which killed 16,651 people four years ago. There could have been more, but oxycodone has become more expensive and more difficult to abuse, so some users switch to heroin.

“Now they’re using [heroin] as a default drug,” Dr. Theodore J. Cicero, a professor of psychiatry at Washington University in St. Louis, told the Inquirer. “They’d really prefer to go back to prescription drugs, but they couldn’t afford them. They wanted to get high, but mostly they didn’t want to get sick” with withdrawal.

Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.

Florida was once a haven for pill mill operators, attracting addicts and drug dealers from around the country. But a statewide crackdown on pain clinics sent the operators scrambling to set up shop in Georgia, Tennessee and other states.

The United States is in the grip of a prescription drug epidemic that kills 44 people each day from overdose, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

If Congress, Senate and State Governors-lawmakers were given a drug test, how many do you think would pass? And how many would fail?

It's time for the DEA to be de-funded and abolished. Using words like addict to demonize you but if you choose to use or consume food, drink, or "drug" it is not the place of government to get involved. When government hinders the pursuit of happiness, when the government hinders freedom and liberty, we are in essence paying for our own abuse. Prohibitions only success has been in justifying the over bloated budgets of the DEA and other government agencies fighting the so-called "war on drugs".

Big pharmaceuticals are the real drug dealers.

We can no longer in good conscience trust the politicians, the corporations or the police to police themselves. 

Click the PayPal donation button (scroll to top) to support a 'free press'. And thank you for your support. Follow on Twitter.

Resist tyranny. There are four boxes to be used in the defense of liberty: 
soapballotjury and the cartridge box.

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Beat your court case: Criminal defenses

By Christopher Rice


To convict you, the State will spare no expense. Here are some defenses, use everything you can to get free.

1.) Didn't Do It

Go with you did not commit the alleged crime in question. Wasn't me.

2.) The Presumption of Innocence

All people accused of crimes are presumed to be guilty, whether that comes by way of trial or plea. This presumption means that the defendant must convince the jury of his/her innocence, rather than the prosecution having to prove guilt. Juries typically believe LE over alleged criminals.

3.) Reasonable Doubt

The prosecutor and public defenders must convince the defendant that going to trial would be futile due to the evidence gathered, planted or manufactured against him/her and that accepting a plea bargain is in their best interest. This way the state avoids an expensive trial and the DA keeps his/her prosecution stats.

4.) The Alibi

An alibi defense consists of evidence that the defendant was somewhere other than the scene of the crime at the time of the crime. Wasn't me.

5.) The Defendant Did It, But...

Sometimes an acquittal is the result even if the prosecutor showed that that the defendant did, without a doubt, commit the alleged act.

6.) Self-Defense

The defendant admits that he or she did in fact use violence, but claims that it was justified by the other person's threatening or violent actions. The core issues in self-defense cases are:
Who was the aggressor?
Was the defendant's belief that self-defense was necessary a reasonable one?
If so, was the amount force the defendant used also reasonable?


Someone doesn’t necessarily have to wait to the point of actually being struck in order to act in self-defense. Whatever the circumstances are, any force that the would-be defendant uses has to be reasonable under the circumstances.

7.) The Insanity Defense

The insanity defense prevents some people who can't function fully from being criminally punished. 

8.) Under the Influence

Defendants who commit crimes under the influence of drugs or alcohol sometimes argue that their mental functioning was so impaired that they cannot be held accountable for their actions. Generally, however, voluntary intoxication does not excuse criminal conduct.

Some states have an exception to this general rule: If the defendant is accused of committing a crime that requires "specific intent," he can argue that he was too drunk or high to have formed that intent.

9.) Entrapment

Entrapment occurs when the government induces a person to commit a crime that he wouldn’t have otherwise committed.


Read the entire article here- Beat your court case

Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.

We can no longer in good conscience trust the politicians, the corporations or the police to police themselves. 

Click the PayPal donation button (scroll to top) to support a 'free press'. And thank you for your support. Follow on Twitter.

Resist tyranny. There are four boxes to be used in the defense of liberty: 
soapballotjury and the cartridge box.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Q & A (How to) Defeat such a powerful enemy

By Christopher Rice
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Q. Who's going to stand up to the psychopaths who've hijacked the U.S. government?

Who's going to stand up to the violent, mindless goon squads they now control?


They're currently in the process of invading and destabilizing every country they were unable to fully control from afar.


What happens when they've completed their murderous world-domination agenda? Who will be left to stand up to them?


A. They have all of the power, they control all communications and all resources. I've worked with activist from every group out there from Anarchist to the Tea Party and all activist have made three fatal mistakes.

The first is, we are constantly reacting to the government,  which has us constantly on the defense. We need to go on the offense.

Second flaw is buying into the lie that the Sheeple need to be woke up. Its just not so, everyone's fed up and  looking for alternatives. We only need to offer a better alternative.

Third we have let down our own whistleblowers, they have to go into hiding or they end up in prison. Why won't the people stand up and protect their leaders?

The next issue I have is with protest, if you protest and think that's it, you've done your part you might as well do nothing. The enemy is resolute, committed, well trained and well equipped. A simple picnic in the park with angry signs won't change a thing.

It is not guns or riots that are required, though. It is commitment. If you look back at the successful movements of the past they made historic change without the benefit of computers, cell phones, faxes or social networks.

How did they do it? They were committed. It takes more than one march or even several protest. It takes more than pressing "Like" and "Share" on Facebook. It takes a commitment that most people these days just don't seem to have.

Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.

There is one other problem that always gets over looked and that is the geography of the enemy that we face.

In Poland they held General Strikes to remove the communist from power and they did it without ever firing a shot. But here's the problem, Poland, like most countries around the world is only the size of one of our states, we need to adjust our thinking to that reality.

Related article: Truth, Justice and the American way

If we are to have any success we must coordinate our efforts. If everyone is publishing the same thing, everyone passing out the same flyer everyone tackling the same issue, the same problem or enemy, we will have a much greater impact. And as with crack, the Contras and the CIA, once enough independent media published the story it could not be ignored by the MSM. But we can't stop there.

It's called "information overload" and the CIA has used it all around the world to topple democratically elected governments. We have the same publishing power but only if we work together with the same commitment and aggression that the enemy will put in place to defend their position. But that's where we want the enemy / government is on the defense. Responding to our attacks. That's how we defeated the British and that's how we will defeat the Republicans and the Democrats. But that is just the beginning, because remember, ending slavery and Apartheid did not bring the desired change, we need a commitment to see this all the way through.

Read the entire article here- Revo- fuckin- lution

Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.

We can no longer in good conscience trust the politicians, the corporations or the police to police themselves. 

Click the PayPal donation button (scroll to top) to support a 'free press'. And thank you for your support. Follow on Twitter.

Resist tyranny. There are four boxes to be used in the defense of liberty: 
soapballotjury and the cartridge box.

Related articles (click title to read more):

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Don’t ask your government for your Privacy, take it back:

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Update: 2,500 juveniles detained in Afghanistan, Iraq and Guantanamo Bay since 2001

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When the U.S. ratified the international treaty on the rights of children in armed conflict in 2002, it committed to protecting children under 18 from military recruitment and deployment to war and guaranteeing basic protections to former child soldiers, including those in U.S. military custody.
 As of 2008, the most recent year for which public data is available, 2,500 juveniles had been detained in Afghanistan, Iraq and Guantanamo Bay since 2001. Responding to an ACLU request for updated figures in February 2010, the Department of Defense stated that fewer than five juveniles remained in U.S. military custody in Iraq and Afghanistan at that time.

But we have insufficient information about measures the U.S. has taken to rehabilitate or reintegrate the children it has detained, or the remedies provided to children who suffered harm in U.S. custody. 

Indeed, although the U.S. maintains that, “in detaining juvenile combatants, the United States seeks to restore some hope for their future and to prepare them for reintegration into society,” evidence suggests that the U.S. has failed to provide rehabilitation or reintegration assistance to former juvenile detainees as mandated by the Protocol, let alone remedies for children subjected to abuse and wrongful detention.
Jan Sher Khan is just one of the many children whose lives have been damaged by the U.S. failure to adhere to international human rights standards for children detained in armed conflict. Khan, now 24, was detained for six years at Bagram without ever being charged with a crime. According to a recent Reuters article, he was repeatedly beaten while in U.S. custody, and as a result has suffered from frequent headaches, mood swings, and the stigma of being labeled a “terrorist,” which he fears will make it nearly impossible for him to rebuild his life, find a job, get married and start a family. “Sometimes I feel like I’m still in prison,” he told Reuters. Another former juvenile detainee, Kamil Shah, who was 16 when he was captured and was held in Bagram for five years without charge, said of his detention: “I was innocent. I lost my education. I lost everything.”
The prolonged detention, often without charge or trial, and ill treatment of juveniles by the U.S. military extends from the mountains of Afghanistan to the shores of Guantanamo, where Omar Khadr, a Canadian citizen and former child soldier who was detained in 2002 at the age of 15 and was convicted by a military commission, continues to linger in a legal limbo. Although the Canadian and U.S. governments struck a deal in 2010 for Khadr’s repatriation to Canada provided he served one more year at Guantanamo, the Canadian government has yet to request the transfer of Khadr into Canadian custody.  Canadian Senator Romeo Dallaire recently circulated an online petition to bring Khadr to Canada, which has garnered significant public support. Khadr is the youngest prisoner still detained at the naval base. Friday marks the fateful ten year anniversary of his detention.
Mohammed Jawad, another former child soldier and ACLU client was illegally held at Guantanamo for almost seven years.  He was released in August 2009, after a federal court found that the government had no credible evidence to justify his detention. Jawad’s mistreatment during detention, as well as an assessment of the U.S. government’s failure to adequately respond to allegations of detainee abuse, is chronicled in a July 2011 University of San Francisco Law Review article written by his military defense lawyer. The Committee is seeking information regarding allegations of torture and ill-treatment of Khadr and Jawad, as well as what remedies were provided to Jawad once he was released.
Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.
Source: ACLU Human Rights Program

We can no longer in good conscience trust the politicians, the corporations or the police to police themselves. 

Click the PayPal donation button (scroll to top) to support a 'free press'. And thank you for your support. Follow on Twitter.

Resist tyranny. There are four boxes to be used in the defense of liberty: 
soapballotjury and the cartridge box.

Related articles (click title to read more):

30 Kinds of (approved) TORTURE currently being used by the C.I.A.

CIA torture techniques in Libya included prolonged diapering and use of insects

Afghanistan detainee abuse scandal 

Confidential State Department cable released by WikiLeaks “detainees were RAPED”

NEW Torture Photos: US Soldiers Raped, Sodomized Prisoners

Photos Show Detainees Sodomized and Raped- Torture Continues During Obama Presidency

First hand account: TORTURED at Abu Ghraib by American military

2,500 juveniles detained in Afghanistan, Iraq and Guantanamo Bay since 2001

General Petraeus guilty of “acts of torture” in Iraq

Independent REPORT 'Indisputable' use of torture under Bush

10 Reasons why GWBush and Obama should be prosecuted for war crimes (TORTURE)

I personally witnessed Dick Cheney torture three suspected terrorist

President Obama is blocking the release of RECENT detainee abuse photos

President Obama is blocking the release of even more TORTURE pics- Torture by U.S. continues under Obama

More Torture Pics: Torture by U.S. continues under Obama administration

TORTURE Continues: Obama Administration Uses Navy Ships, Not Secret Prisons, For Interrogations

C.I.A. Tortures children

Torture American style

Torture, American Style Pt. 2

A Long, Bloody History: Torture American Style Part 3 (From Pelican Bay to Vietnam and beyond)

TORTURE IS U.S. POLICY

CIA/Torture Whistleblower sent to prison

CIA Promotes Person Who Destroyed Torture Tapes

CIA’s ‘Black Sites’

CIA admits it spied on U.S. Senate


50 Countries Involved in CIA Rendition and Torture

Secret Gitmo Hearing Held on CIA Black Sites

Secret CIA Prisons in Your Backyard

At least 20 prisoners still missing from CIA 'black sites' 

LEAKED Committee Report: CIA Black Sites, Torture Programs

Physicians for Human Rights Report: Doctors had ‘central role’ in CIA abuse and human experimentation

Extremely Harsh Interrogations at Gitmo CLASSIFIED Report: A survey of 493 FBI personnel

Psyops: Kept awake for four days by loud music 

(What is) Torture

How effective is Torture

Former Interrogator Rebukes Cheney for Torture Speech

Britain guilty of systemic torture

Britain Tortured Nazi POW's 

Who’s a TERRORIST? Pentagon Says: You Are

6 Brave Govt. Whistleblowers Charged Under the Espionage Act by Obama’s Administration

We Are The Enemy: Whistleblowers, Journalists, Dissenters, and the People

The Domestic Drone Threat

Pres. Obama gives orders to ASSASSINATE US Citizens

Obama’s ‘Kill List’ Grows

America’s Prison Population Part 1

Don’t ask your government for your Privacy, take it back:

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Fear of Intimacy – The Wounded Heart of Codependency

By Robert Burney

Fear of Abandonment, Betrayal, and Rejection

Fear of intimacy is at the heart of codependency. We have a fear of intimacy because we have a fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. We have a these fears because we were wounded in early childhood – we experienced feeling emotionally abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by our parents because they were wounded. They did not have healthy relationship with self – they were codependents who abandoned and betrayed themselves – and their behavior caused us to feel unworthy and unlovable.

“We exited the warm nurturing cocoon of our incubator into a cold, harsh world. A world run by Higher Powers (parents and any body else bigger than us – siblings, grandparents, hospital or orphanage personnel) who were wounded in their childhood. Gods who were not emotionally healthy, and did not know how to Love themselves. Our egos were traumatized – and adapted programming to try to protect us from the pain of emotional trauma that felt life threatening.

The people we Loved the most – our Higher Powers – hurt us the most. Our emotional intimacy issues were caused by, our fear of intimacy is a direct result of, our early childhood experiences. Our lives have been lived in reaction to the intellectual paradigms our egos adapted to deal with emotional trauma.

The part of a child’s brain that is logical and rational, that understands abstract concepts (like time or death), that can have any kind of an objective perspective on self or life, does not develop until about the age of 7 (the age of reason.) As little children we were completely ego-centric and magical thinking. We did not have the capacity to understand that our Higher Powers were not perfect. We watched their role modeling, experienced their behavior as personal, and felt the emotional currents of our environments – worry, frustration, resentment, fear, anger, pain, shame, etc. – and were emotionally traumatized.

Our ego adapted itself to the environment it was experiencing. It developed emotional and behavioral defense systems in reaction to the emotional pain we experienced growing up with parents who were wounded codependents.

If you have ever wondered why it is so much easier to feel Spiritual in relationship to nature or animals, here is your answer. It was people who wounded us in childhood. It is people who our egos developed defense systems to protect us from.

I have told people for years, that the only reason to do inner child healing work is if we are going to interact with other people. If one is going to live in isolation on a mountain top meditating, it will be fairly easy to feel Spiritually connected. It is relating to other human beings that is messy.”

INNER CHILD HEALING - Part 16 – Reprogramming our ego defenses

Relating to animals or nature is safe because we will not be judged. Our pet will not abandon us because we are inherently defective. Nature will not reject us because we are personally shameful. People will – or at least it feels like that is what has happened in the past.

The Truth is that the ways that our parents treated us in childhood did not have anything to do with who we are – was not really personal. They were incapable of seeing themselves clearly. They certainly could not see us clearly – could not see our unique individuality from a perspective that allowed them to honor and respect us as beings separate from them. Their perspective of us was filtered through a prism of their own shame and woundedness. They projected their hopes and dreams, their fears and insecurities onto us. They saw us as the fix for their feelings of unworthiness, an extension of them that gave their life meaning – or perhaps they saw us as an inconvenience and a burden holding them back, preventing them from making their dreams come true. For some of us, a parent(s) was so caught up in their alcoholism or survival drama or career that most of the time they didn’t see us at all.

And both our parents and society taught us very clearly – through direct messages and role modeling – to be dishonest. Our parents taught us that keeping up appearances, worrying about what the neighbors think, was more important than our feelings – because it was so important to them. Or, some of us experienced a parent who went to the other extreme, where they acted like they didn’t care what anyone thought – which caused us to feel embarrassed and ashamed of their behavior because it was so out of balance, and caused us to worry about what the neighbors thought. They taught us to give power to other people by wearing masks and keeping secrets.

Even more importantly, our role models taught us to be emotionally dishonest. Because it wasn’t safe to be emotionally honest we lost our self – did not know how to be emotionally intimate with our self, and instead constructed a false self image to survive. We learned to wear different masks for different people.

As children we were incapable of seeing ourselves as separate from our families – of knowing we had worth as individuals apart from our families. The reality we grew up in was the only reality that we knew. We thought our parents behavior reflected our worth – the same way that our codependent parents thought our behavior was a factor in rather they had worth.

“We live in a society where the emotional experience of “love” is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children’s behavior because parents believe that their children’s behavior reflects their self-worth.

In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, “good boy,” then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. (“He doesn’t come from a good family.”)

What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child – the family hero role – who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child – the scapegoat – is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family. Backwards again.
In a Codependent society we are taught, in the name of “love,” to try to control those we love, by manipulating and shaming them, to try to get them to do the right things – in order to protect our own ego-strength. Our emotional experience of love is of something controlling: “I love you if you do what I want you to do.” Our emotional experience of love is of something that is shaming and manipulative and abusive.

Love that is shaming and abusive is an insane, ridiculous concept. Just as insane and ridiculous as the concept of murder and war in the name of God.”

Rather our parents made us their reason for living – which is a form of toxic love in which the child is the drug of choice (causing a child to feel responsible for an adult’s self worth is emotionally incestuous and abusive); or a burden to be carried, the scapegoat they blamed for ruining their lives; or treated us like we were an inconvenience in the moments when they even seemed aware of us; it wounded us. We felt betrayed – by our own unworthiness, because we were incapable of knowing they were not perfect. We felt abandoned and rejected by the gods in our lives.

We were wounded in our first relationships with other people. We were tiny, innocent, little beings who were completely dependent upon wounded people who did not Love themselves – and therefore were incapable of Loving us in a healthy way.

Feeling unlovable to the gods in our lives as tiny children was life threatening. It felt life threatening.

Our fear of intimacy is based upon painful, traumatic experiences.

The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see. That is what intimacy is about – allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.

Sharing who we are is a problem for codependents because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective, unlovable and unworthy – because of our childhood emotional trauma. Codependency is rooted in our ego programming from early childhood.

That programming is a defense that the ego adapted to help us survive. It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful, that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable. Our codependent defense system is an attempt to protect us from being rejected, betrayed, and abandoned because of our unworthy, shameful being.

We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded, emotionally traumatized, in early childhood – felt rejected and abandoned – and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear. Our wounding in early childhood caused us to feel that something was wrong with our being – toxic shame – and our societal and parental role models taught us to keep up appearances, to hide our shamefulness from others.

TOXIC SHAME - defective, unlovable

It is very important in recovery to start making a distinction – drawing a boundary – between being and behavior. Growing up in dysfunctional societies taught us to equate our worth – and judge the worth of others – based upon external appearances. We experienced love as conditional on behavior. Someone who behaves badly – i.e. not the way we want them to – is a bad person. Someone who behaves the way we want them to is a good person.

It is very important to stop judging our worth based upon the dysfunctional standards of societies that taught us it was shameful to be imperfect human beings.

“When I use the term “judge,” I am talking about making judgments about our own or other people’s beings based on behavior. In other words, I did something bad therefore I am a bad person; I made a mistake therefore I am a mistake. That is what toxic shame is all about: feeling that something is wrong with our being, that we are somehow defective because we have human drives, human weaknesses, human imperfections.

There may be behavior in which we have engaged that we feel ashamed of but that does not make us shameful beings We may need to make judgments about whether our behavior is healthy and appropriate but that does not mean that we have to judge our essential self, our being, because of the behavior. Our behavior has been dictated by our disease, by our childhood wounds; it does not mean that we are bad or defective as beings. It means that we are human, it means that we are wounded.

It is important to start setting a boundary between being and behavior. All humans have equal Divine value as beings – no matter what our behavior. Our behavior is learned (and/or reactive to physical or physiological conditions).

Behavior, and the attitudes that dictate behavior, are adopted defenses designed to allow us to survive in the Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive, dysfunctional environments into which we were born.”

At the core of codependency is toxic shame – the feeling that we are somehow inherently defective, that something is wrong with our being.

[And I want to make note here, that anytime I talk about shame, rather I use the adjective toxic or not - I am talking about feeling toxic shame in relationship to "being," feeling personally defective. Some people in the field, notably John Bradshaw, make a distinction between toxic shame and healthy shame. I find it much simpler, and more useful, to use shame in reference to "being" and guilt in reference to behavior. I believe there is healthy and unhealthy guilt (as I talk about in Discernment in relationship to emotional honesty and responsibility 2) but any time I use the term shame I am talking about toxic shame. (The example that I have heard Bradshaw use of what he calls healthy shame, is that it is what keeps us from running down the street naked. I find that not only blatantly a judgment of behavior - but also based upon cultural standards that are not necessarily aligned with any kind of Spiritual Truth. Some of John's Jesuit background showing I think. ;-)]

The emotional trauma we suffered in early childhood created within us the feeling of toxic shame.

“We do not need fixing. We are not broken. Our sense of self, our self perception, was shattered and fractured and broken into pieces, not our True Self.

We think and feel like we are broken because we were programmed backwards.

We are not broken. That is what toxic shame is – thinking that we are broken, believing that we are somehow inherently defective.

Guilt is “I made a mistake, I did something wrong.”

Shame is “I’m a mistake, something is wrong with me.”

Again, the feelings of that little child inside who believes that he/she deserves to be punished.”

At the foundation of our relationship with our self – and therefore with other people and life – is the feeling that we will die if we reveal ourselves to other people, because then they will see our shameful self. I felt deep within me (in those rare instances of breaking through my denial and blaming to a moment of honest clarity), that if I let anyone see who I really was, they would run away screaming in horror at the grotesque, deformed, shameful being that I was.

Our lives have been dictated by an emotional defense system that is designed to keep hidden the false belief that we are defective. We use external things – success, looks, productivity, substances – to try to cover up, overcome, make up for, the personal defectiveness that we felt caused our hearts to be broken and our souls wounded in childhood. And that personal defectiveness is a lie. That feeling of toxic shame is a lie.

It was so painful that we had to lie to ourselves about it. We were forced to be emotionally and intellectually dishonest with ourselves by the codependent defenses we adapted. We had to learn how to live in denial of the pain and shame at the core of our relationship with ourselves. Codependency is a vicious form of Delayed Stress Syndrome, of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

(Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome)

The emotional trauma caused us to disassociate – to not be present in our own skins in a conscious way – and to rationalize and deny our emotional experience of life. We built up a dishonest self image to try to convince ourselves that we had worth based upon some comparative external factors: looks, success, independence (the counter-dependent rebel), popularity (people pleasers), righteousness (better than others, right to their wrong), or whatever. That false self image was not completely dishonest because it was formed in reaction to some basic aspects of who we Truly are – but it was a twisted, distorted, polarized perspective of our self adapted in response to toxic shame for the purpose of giving us some ego strength, some reason we could feel better than others.

That false self image, the masks we learned to wear, is something we invested a lot of energy into convincing ourselves was the truth. But deep inside, in our moments of insight and clarity, we knew we were hiding a shameful secret. Often we got that toxic shame about our being confused in our memories with some behavior in our childhood that felt shameful. It is very common for us to have a secret that involves a way in which we were abused – physically, sexually, etc. – that we go to great pains to avoid because we associate the feeling of toxic shame with that incident and think it was our fault.

We do not want other people to see in to us, because then they will learn our shameful secret. We have a fear of intimacy because of the false belief that our relationship with our self is based upon.

We have spent our lives trying to protect ourselves from a lie about who we are. We have spent incredible energy in our lives trying to keep the toxic shame hidden. The secret that is killing us and has made our lives miserable, the secret we have lived in reaction to – is a lie. We have been compulsively – because we were reacting to what felt like a threat to survival – living our lives in reaction to our need to keep secret who we feel we really are in the deepest part of our being.

“Because as small children we did not have any perspective or discernment (prior to the age of reason, which occurs about 7 as our brains develop) we were incapable as viewing our parents as anything other than perfect Higher Powers. Our God and Goddess. Because our Higher Powers were wounded and did not know how to Love self, we were wounded and got the message that something must be wrong with us. Toxic Shame.

“That shame is toxic and is not ours – it never was! We did nothing to be ashamed of – we were just little kids. Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down from generation to generation.

There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.”

Out of our codependent relationship with life, there are only two extremes: blame them, or blame me. Buy into the belief that they are to blame for what I am feeling – or I am to blame because I am a shameful unworthy being. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable to our parents – which is a reflection of unbearable anguish of feeling separated from The Source – can feel like a bottomless pit of agonizing suffering. At the core of our wounding is the unbearable emotional pain resulting from having internalized the message that God – our Source – does not Love us because we are personally defective and shameful.

Our addictions, compulsions, and obsessions; our continuing quest to reach the destination, to find the fix; our inability to be present in the now through worrying about the future or ruminating about the past; are all tools that we used to avoid the emotional pain. Our behavior patterns and dysfunctional relationships (of all kinds, with other people, with money, with our gender and sexuality) are symptoms. Codependence is a defense system that was adapted by our damaged egos to try to avoid falling into the abyss of shame and pain within.

We formed our core relationship with self, other people, and life based upon this feeling of toxic shame.”

ATTACK ON AMERICA

Because of the feeling that we were somehow shameful, were unworthy and unlovable, we adapted defenses to protect us. Those defenses caused us to keep recreating the emotional dynamics of our childhood.

Repeating Behavior Patterns – looking for love in all the wrong places

Codependence is doubly traumatic. We were traumatized as children – and the defenses we adapted to protect us caused us to traumatize ourselves as adults. We have experienced getting our hearts broken, our hopes and dreams shattered, again and again. We abandoned, betrayed, and set ourselves up to feel rejected over and over again. (Even those “family hero” types who achieve external “success” and financial abundance have to keep running from distraction to distraction and finding someone to blame so that they can deny the hole they feel within themselves. Achieving some material success makes it much easier to maintain the illusion of ego control and stay in denial of one’s wounded soul. Being rich and famous can be a huge block to true emotional intimacy.)

As long as we are reacting unconsciously to our childhood emotional wounds and intellectual programming, we keep repeating the patterns. We keep getting involved with unavailable people. We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed and rejected. We keep looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong faces. Is it any wonder we have a fear of intimacy?

“Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met – our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves.

Some people, when they first get into Recovery, when they first start on a healing path, mistakenly believe that they are supposed to take down their defenses and learn to trust everyone. That is a very dysfunctional belief. It is necessary to take down the dysfunctional defense systems but we have to replace them with defenses that work. We have to have a defense system, we have to be able to protect ourselves. There is still a hostile environment out there full of wounded Adult Children whom it is not safe to trust.

In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then – as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation – we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals – exactly the ones who will “push our buttons.”

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most – were the most familiar – hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people.

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.

The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways – by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)”

As children we were victims – as adult we kept repeating the behaviors we learned as children – in one extreme or the other. The people in our lives were actors we unconsciously cast in roles that would recreate our childhood wounding so that we could try to heal it – try to get in right this time. We were energetically drawn to, and attracted to us, the people who would treat us in ways that felt familiar – because on some deep level we believed that is what we deserved. If our own parents could not love us, then we must not deserve to be loved.

In my Update Newsletter for October 2000, I talked about a mother and daughter that I had done some work with. Several times a year I have counseling sessions with one or both of them as they have opportunities for growth in their recovery. Earlier this week I had a session with the mother. Her daughter had once again engaged in behavior that was dangerous and life threatening. She was very upset about an incident that her daughter had experienced – and was putting a lot of energy into blaming the daughter’s boyfriend.

She kept saying how controlling, possessive, and abusive this boyfriend was and how she just couldn’t understand it. She felt that her daughter had chosen the boyfriend over her own mother and out of the deep hurt she was feeling she was blaming. She mentioned several times how she had said to her daughter, “What is wrong with you!” Then she would swing to the other extreme and say, “Maybe I failed somehow as a parent.” She was caught up in codependent polarized reaction to her fear, pain, and shame.

After letting her vent for a long period of time, I brought her back to focusing on her Spiritual belief system and applying the Serenity prayer to what was happening. I reminded her that the reason her daughter was in a relationship that was controlling, possessive, and abusive was because that was the only type of relationship the daughter was familiar with. I reminded her that she, in her concern and love for her daughter, out of her fear of her daughters self destructive behavior, had been controlling, possessive, and abusive. I pointed out that it was abusive to say something like, “what is wrong with you.” – because it equates behavior with being. Doing something “wrong” does not mean there is something wrong with us. The daughter was in fact, just repeating her codependent patterns – and to me, her behavior was not only understandable, but very predictable. (And repeating the patterns was not a sign that she had not grown. This was a new opportunity for growth at a higher level of consciousness for her – a perfect part of her growth process, not some regression or slip into old behavior. We make progress gradually.)

Once I got her to stop reacting to her shame, fear, and hurt, and to stop viewing the situation from a polarized black and white, right and wrong, perspective – then she was able to get back to her recovery and start using the tools she has learned to help her let go of things she can’t control and focus on her inner process which she can have some degree of control over in a Loving way.

The reality of codependence is that we get in relationship with people who feel familiar – people who will repeat our childhood emotional dynamics. We keep getting involved with people with whom we can recreate the emotional dynamics from our childhood in some way.

A large part of the tragedy of codependency – the insidiously dysfunctional nature of the disease – is that by repeating the patterns we keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned and rejected. To feel betrayed by our own unworthiness. To reinforce the lie that we are inherently, and personally, shameful and unlovable.

“I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally – which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level.”

We are attracted to people who are unable to meet our needs, who are unavailable on some level, as a protection from allowing ourselves to get close to someone who could be available to us – because then they would find out how shameful we are and reject us. Allowing someone to see into us, to see who we really are, feels to the disease like the last thing we want to do – and it generates incredible fear of allowing that kind of intimacy.

Codependency is an emotional and behavioral defense system that does not work. Our defense against pain and shame actually creates more pain – and causes us to keep repeating painful patterns in a way which reinforces the belief that we are somehow defective, that we have good reason to feel ashamed of ourselves.

Our fear of intimacy is reinforced by the evidence of how many “stupid” choices we have made in the past. Our experiences in childhood caused us to fear intimacy and feel that we were somehow unlovable – and our codependency caused us to keep creating new evidence of our inherent defectiveness.

NASTY STUFF INDEED!

We have a fear of intimacy for very good reasons. We have a lifetime of experiences that reinforce the original messages – that reinforces our feeling of being terrified of letting anyone get too close to us, see into us.

The only way to overcome our fear of intimacy is to get into recovery for our codependency – and do our inner child healing work so that we can learn to be emotionally honest and intimate with ourselves. Integrating a Loving Spiritual belief system into our relationship with self and life is an invaluable step in taking power away from the toxic shame so that we can start to Love ourselves and be open to being Loved by others.

“Learning what healthy behavior is will allow us to be healthier in the relationships that do not mean much to us; intellectually knowing Spiritual Truth will allow us to be more Loving some of the time; but in the relationships that mean the most to us, with the people we care the most about, when our “buttons are pushed” we will watch ourselves saying things we don’t want to say and reacting in ways that we don’t want to react – because we are powerless to change the behavior patterns without dealing with the emotional wounds.

We cannot integrate Spiritual Truth or intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into our experience of life in a substantial way without honoring and respecting the emotions. We cannot consistently incorporate healthy behavior into day to day life without being emotionally honest with ourselves. We cannot get rid of our shame and overcome our fear of emotional intimacy without going through the feelings.”

“The key to healing our wounded souls is to get clear and honest in our emotional process. Until we can get clear and honest with our human emotional responses – until we change the twisted, distorted, negative perspectives and reactions to our human emotions that are a result of having been born into, and grown up in, a dysfunctional, emotionally repressive, Spiritually hostile environment – we cannot get clearly in touch with the level of emotional energy that is Truth. We cannot get clearly in touch with and reconnected to our Spiritual Self.

We, each and every one of us, has an inner channel to Truth, an inner channel to the Great Spirit. But that inner channel is blocked up with repressed emotional energy, and with twisted, distorted attitudes and false beliefs.

We can intellectually throw out false beliefs. We can intellectually remember and embrace the Truth of ONENESS and Light and Love. But we cannot integrate Spiritual Truths into our day-to-day human existence, in a way which allows us to substantially change the dysfunctional behavior patterns that we had to adopt to survive, until we deal with our emotional wounds. Until we deal with the subconscious emotional programming from our childhoods.

We cannot learn to Love without honoring our Rage!

We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate with ourselves or anyone else without owning our Grief.

We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light unless we are willing to own and honor our experience of the Darkness.

We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are willing to feel the Sadness.

We need to do our emotional healing, to heal our wounded souls, in order to reconnect with our Souls on the highest vibrational levels. In order to reconnect with the God-Force that is Love and Light, Joy and Truth.”

Source: “Fear of Intimacy – The Wounded Heart of Codependency”

Related: Underground America is back online. How to beat the police, CPS, DEA, FBI, IRS and NSA. How to beat any drug test, police sting and how to beat your court case and more.

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